Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Randomize
