I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
