So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
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