My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
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