my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
Randomize
