Too much gin, very little bucket
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
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