he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
