I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
