If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
