Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
