She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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