i already hear my dad disowning me
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Randomize
