So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
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