Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
