I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
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