Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
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