i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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