my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
