The maid of honor just puked.
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
You're breaking my sexual little heart
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
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