your butthole totally puckers for the ginge
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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