I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Randomize