see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
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