my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
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