How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Randomize
