Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Randomize
