I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
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