The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
I just sucked dick on a ferry
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
