I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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