Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Randomize
