Can i not drive my cunt home
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
last night I used snow as a chaser
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
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