I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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