Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
Randomize
