Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
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