I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
Randomize
