my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Randomize
