just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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