god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
it actually wasnt that awkward...i planned on saying hello and walking away..then she asked if i wanted to go to lunch and i looked at her chest and said absolutely
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
Randomize
