Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
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