when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
These tits shall not be calmed
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Randomize
