girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Randomize