They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
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