I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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