Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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