I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
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