I need a slap back to reality. Or at least a slap back to homosexuality
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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