I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
Randomize
