please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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