I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
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