Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Randomize
