i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
