I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
