She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
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