I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
