i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
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