he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
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