we made out on top of his cat.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
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