note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
Randomize
