i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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