If i come over, it means nothing
yeah it was kind of like, i'm 27 and still live in a frat house.. you honestly expect me to have "moral fiber" and a "conscience"
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Randomize
