True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
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