Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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