Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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