And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Randomize
